Help for my friend Monse - Advice on Unrequited Love

My friend Monse reads my blog and had specifically asked me to write advice about unrequited love. Monse has communicated with me that she is struggling with that and I thought that it would be best to help her out. 

To my beautiful Monse, this is for you... te quiero...

For those who have no clue as to what unrequited love is, it is when you love someone who does not know that you love them or will never see you in that way. People who suffer from unrequited love are typically depressed knowing that the person they desire will never see them in that way. It does not matter in what situation you are, you can find unrequited love wherever you go. However, I do not see unrequited love like something random that can easily go away. I see it as a sickness that can decay who we are and what we believe in. Like my friend Monse, who is suffering from this, I too had my issue with this sickness. 

For this post, we are going to answer the following questions to help anyone who is going through this to feel better... or even move on. 

1. How do I know it is unrequited love?

2. If I am a good person, why don't they notice it?

3. Do I have to let them go? 

4. Now, what if I am alone?

Let us begin.

1. How do I know it is unrequited love? In order to answer this question, you need to ask yourself this first: Does it seem like you are pinning over them more than they are pinning over you? If the answer is yes, then that means you are in an unrequited love situation. If you find that you are way more into them than they are into you, you are the one suffering from the one sided affair. You are the only one "in love" with that person in comparison to them. I know that may seem like a dagger to the heart, but I feel like people who endure this are a lot stronger than they realize. They are the ones that have so much love to give that they are not ashamed to give it out to anyone. Okay, so now that we have identified this, let us move on to the next question...

2. If I am a good person, why don't they notice it? First of all, I want to say that you are not crazy for asking yourself this question. We want to be accepted by the person who we find attractive, and we want them to open their eyes to what we have to offer. Yet, I know why they don't notice it. It's because they themselves do not realize the value they have within themselves to begin with. They are not people who actually love themselves, they are people who are struggling to find love they think they deserve. They give love to those who give them what they need. They keep you around them so they do not feel less of a person, or so you never get to move on. For example, in my last post I talked about Iris from The Holiday (2006). We notice that Iris was such a beautiful human being but Jasper never managed to come to his senses in realizing that. She could not let go of the fact that he once did see her as someone appealing, but had now replaced her (horribly) with Sarah. But, why did he never notice it until the end of the movie? It was because he did not know what he wanted and he "knew" that Iris would never resist what he had to offer... which was emotional burden. The truth is that they never notice you because they actually are clueless as to what they want. So, don't worry... its more like "its them and not you."

3. Do I have to let them go? Even before I answer this question, what do you think? I am going to try and give a mature answer. The answer is yes. Remember this: If they do not see you, then they do not like you. If they do not return your love back, they don't want you. If they were ignoring you throughout a work day, they don't care for you. WHY THROW PUNCHES IN THE AIR? They will never give you the attention back and neither will they snap their eyes open to notice you finally. To be even more honest, they never will. I know, tough pill to swallow. We struggle to let go in unrequited love because the feelings we have are real, even if they aren't returned. We build dreams around this person, imagine a life with them, and in many ways, they become a part of our inner world. Letting go feels like losing not just them, but a version of ourselves that hoped, believed, and cared deeply. It’s hard to release something that felt so meaningful, even if it only lived in our heart. Please do your beautiful heart a favor, let them go. Let them ignore you, let them go to whatever person they want, and let them learn the meaning of isolation....because that is what they deserve. It sounds easier said than done...but when you let them go, you let go of feeling belittled. You have been carrying around this dead weight for so long that you can just simply cut the wire, and be free. It is never going to be easy, but some tips to help you let them go is this (these have helped me also):

- Write all the pros and cons about why this person is beneficial to your life

- Talk to your favorite person you trust on why you think this person is toxic in your life.

- Journal about all the times this person made you doubt your self worth

- Watch movies that you feel you can relate to and see how they solved it

- Or if you are feeling bold, tell the person why you no longer want to see them and tell them about how they can do better. 

- Or for my more gentle souls, write them a letter.

I assure you that when you start to let them go, you gain back some of the power you lost. 

4. Now, what if I am alone? I hate to say it this way but you are NEVER alone. You are such a lovely human being with so much to offer. You make the whole world light up even when times are too difficult to manage. You bring love and happiness to all the people who upfront love/adore you. Also, you have Ms. Kitty and Ms. Kitty does not leave her peeps behind. One day, you will find love that actually is deserving of you and not the other way around. Recognize that there are people who actually love you more than you even realize, right Monse? Like the following people: 

- The one guy from the bodega who knows your order

- The janitorial staff that always offers you a smile 

- Your mother who knows exactly how you like to have breakfast in the morning.

- Your abuelito who sneaks in your favorite candies to your school bag

- Your amiga in that one class who is loud but loves your personality

- Any Libra whose name starts with an A

- That old high school teacher you love who is always rooting for your success. 

All in all, there are so many people who love you out there, but you have to give them a chance to show it to you. People love you, they do, just not always the ones you wish would notice your emotional PowerPoint presentations and carefully curated playlists. But that doesn’t make your love any less powerful. So many of us have stood where you’re standing, wondering if we’re enough, if we’ll ever be seen the way we long to be. But you are enough. You’re more than enough. Your love is not wasted just because it wasn’t returned. It shaped you. It softened you. And one day, someone will look at you and see exactly how rare and extraordinary your heart is—and they’ll love you for it, just as deeply as you’ve loved.

To my friend Monse and anyone else who benefits from this post, I love you all and hope this brings clarity and comfort. 

Yours Truly, 

Ms. Kitty